Leave that black pit. It’s comfortable and safe in that deep dark hole, it’s easy to be a hermit and pull away from everyone else because you’ve been too hurt, been in too much pain. You can sit in there, hug yourself, secretly waiting and hoping for someone to reach out to you. But here’s the truth. Chances are, people who care for you won’t know what you need or how to help. Retracting from them perhaps hurt them more than you think dealing with your emotional roller coaster will be a burden to them. It’s difficult to see someone you care for struggling and in pain yet not know how and what to do to help; or sometimes, not even be able to let into their hearts to have their support accepted. When you are in pitch black, a black so dark none of those torches will have their light seen when shone from outside, there is so much more inertia to walk out and search for the light. But you have to.
The downs. How do you know you are no longer depressed? Maybe you can’t, fully. Maybe there will always be bouts of returning to the low state. Maybe there will be triggers, emotional bursts. But remember, you survived. You’ve been out of it once and you can again. The strength you gained from the lessons before will give you the confidence and conviction to pull through the emotional mess you find yourself in again.
Not everyone understands. Everyone has different life experiences. Some people lack the empathy or sympathy for what you are going through. And that’s fine. Not every friend makes a good confidante. Build your support network. Find your listening ear. You will find someone. If you open up.
Make your family. Society’s advertisement of family is warm and loving and supportive. Not all families are like that. But it’s okay. We build our family. It doesn’t have to be blood ties, it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner. Our family is made up of the people we feel safe and comfortable around, people who support us and whom we support, people who will have your back no matter what and likewise the other way round. Unlearn socially prescribed rules and define your own social relationships.
Build hope. Have a dream, find your passion, find a purpose. These can change but find one. Find something worth living for. Even if this purpose changes, let it change, but if it can tide you through a period, why not? Make yourself feel better. It always helps to imagine your dream situation. If there were no constraints (financial, emotional etc), if you have no limits, if you can do whatever you want, what will you do? Now, envision that. How can you make that into a reality? Write down the steps. Work towards it. Remember, you can make your hope a reality, you are perfectly capable of it.
Love yourself. Be selfish. Let go of all that emotional burden and take care of yourself first. Because this world is harsh. It’s worse if you are tougher on yourself. No one will love ourselves more than we have the capacity to love ourselves. Love yourself first, be kind, take care of your physical and emotional needs. Before you can help or support anyone, you need to help yourself first. It’s not a luxury, it’s necessary. If you give and give till there’s nothing left for yourself, it sucks the life out of you. In the end it will be destructive to not just yourself but also the people you support.
If your environment is toxic, leave it. It’s difficult. I know. Especially if that’s all you’ve known for your entire life. But you can. You can be in a better situation, you can be in a better place, you can be happier. So why not do it? Everyone has a different emotional threshold. If you can’t find peace in the environment you are in, it’s a sign for change.
Don’t self pity. It’s the most deprecating thing you can do to yourself. It’s a downward spiral. Victimising yourself, pitying yourself then end up thinking this world is shit and everyone owes you something. Don’t compare to anyone else in a better situation, you probably just don’t know what shit they are going through. Let’s face it, this world is unfair to everyone, in different ways. The rich girl next class could be facing endless family drama and fights. That happy boy down the street could be struggling financially and having to skip meals. You just won’t know. So be kind. To everyone around and to yourself too. Tell yourself that it’s a valuable lesson in life, that you will have to pay in some ways, but the price (emotional or whatnot) is definitely worth the learning.
Reflect, but move on. It’s healthy to stop and reflect, not just the events but also your actions, responses, emotions. But don’t forget to live. At some point put all of that down, take the learnings from your reflections, pack it into your bag and leave the rest behind. You have to continue the journey.
Do what makes you feel good. Sometimes, just stop thinking. Just stop, be present and feel. If something makes you feel good, do it. If talking to someone makes you feel better, call. If having ice cream for breakfast makes you feel good, eat. Give yourself a treat when you need a break but also remember to listen to your body. Emotional and physical health come hand in hand.